Dear Ashlee

Ashlee,

You never write, you never call. I'm getting kind of worried about you. Look, I tried to help and you go and make a complete and total mockery out of my advice: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434424/

Okay. I get it. If I'm not mistaken that tag is a reference to the SNL thing? Just a guess. I guess it kind of cute and endearing. And its cool that Princess Leia is in the movie. And the guy who played Kyle Chandler's friend on Early Edition. I loved him! But, ehh, Ashlee, when I suggested that you act I didn't mean for you to play a sing--eh, you know what, it doesn't matter. No really. Don't be upset.
Do you want to talk about it?
Pull up a chair.
Is it Cabrerra? Because you could do better. And could you tell him that his hair looks strangely like that guy from Teen Wolf?
Is it your dad? He seems like he could be a little overbearing. What with the "sing, my pretties, sing!" attitude, when all he really does is play golf with Nick all day. I mean, thats not right Ash. I'm calling you Ash okay? You can call me Bob. Do you want to be friends? You look like you could use a friend.
Since you seem to be so keen on taking my advice I've compiled a short list of things for you to do:

1) Fire your PR people:

"Ok look not everyone has to like Ashlee Simpson, I know plenty of ppl that don't but can't you ppl that don't like her just keep your opinions to yourself! You don't have to say bad things about someone just because of one mistake SNL made! It wasn't her fault!!"

Okay, Okay. I stole that from a message board. But blaming SNL is a unique alternative.

2) The next time Avril publicly disses you, slap her silly. There's nothing the people like more than a good celebrity catfight. Especially when directed towards Advil. Trust me. The American public would love you. Women and children would dance in the street. I would buy Autobriography and then actually listen to it. Fan. for. life. I'm telling you. I know she acts tough, but I've got a good 30 lbs. on her. Together we could take her.

Heh. In no way am I plotting against Avril Lavigne. Forget that. FORGET.

3) Remember your fans, Ash. They're out there.

"Since she's had so much struggle with SNL and the Orange Bowl, I sometimes wish I could show her how I feel by inviting her over. I know it probably won't happen, but it's fun to think about. I can picture us having fun together right now. I've always wanted to know, you wouldn't happen to know what her favorite food is? I wonder if she likes pizza, because we could have that. I'd be overly nice, and I'd let her sleep in....my room."

Yep. Message boards.

I'm touched.

I was so inspired that I wrote a haiku:

"Ashlee Simpson,

Caught lip syncing.

We'll find consolation in pizza.

Will this upset your acid reflux?"

I just want you to know, that guy took a lot of criticism for that comment. Maybe you could send him an autograph?

On second thought. Ew.

--Bob